Relationships

The Question You’ve Always Wanted to Ask

What’s yours?

We all have things we want to ask, to get advice or information on, but we hate the idea of looking foolish!

I used to have a lot of questions about sex. I grew up very sexually ignorant, including being ignorant about how my body worked.

I know I’m not alone. Whether you have a question about your own body, or how to please someone else, wouldn’t it be great if there was a safe place to go for the answers?

I’ve created it for you.

I lovingly call it, Q’s for the Sex Queen.

I’ve created a lovely, private form on my website. You can see it here.  All you do is click on the “Ask Now” box and ask me whatever you want.

Twice a month, I’ll record a video episode of Q’s for the Sex Queen and post it on YouTube. You’ll hear my answer, coaching really, on the video.

Let’s talk about my answers. I’ll be providing information and coaching based on what I know, what I’ve experienced and how I helped clients. I’ve had quite a journey sexually, you can hear more about that in this video, and I’ll share many more stories as I answer your questions.

You don’t have to limit your questions to sex and relationships though. I find that all things in life are connected so feel free to throw anything at me from career, to kids, to having fun, reducing anxiety or travel tips and idea! It’s all on the table for the Queen.

Rest assured, Q’s for the Sex Queen is a judgment-free zone where your question will be handled with the respect and dignity it deserves.

Take a moment right now and ask me your question. I can’t wait to hear it and talk about it on the next episode of, Q’s for the Sex Queen!


What’s the one thing you would change?

We all have something.

It’s the thing we would change in our lives. You might have more than one. I do.

But, we feel like we can’t.

Hear me. Now. You can. You can.

The most unbelievably difficult things get done every day.

Think of all the people that inspire you.

They overcame huge obstacles. That’s why you are inspired by them.

Those people are no different than you are.

All you need is some support.

Some instruction.

Some coaching.

You need to know how to stop thinking and feeling the things that trap you in a limited cluster-fuck of disappointment.

You need tools and strategies to actually think and feel differently. Yes, it’s possible. I do it all the time in my own life.

When you think and feel differently, you find resources and solutions that you never saw before.

You find the way to create your successful business, relationship or career.

You can find a way to love your body. Really. Without losing weight.

You can turn on your sexual energy for pleasure and added creativity.

 So, tell me… What do you want to change?

Tell me what it is. There’s help. If I can’t help you, I bet I know someone who does.  

Do it now. Email me. Lay it on me. It’s changeable. It’s possible.

Live Lavishly Light Episode #13

What happens when you're sick of being married? 

I'm not talking about actually wanting to leave.

There are times in every relationship when you're sick of it! You're fed up with your spouse. 

In today's Live Lavishly Light Episode I'll give you a couple of sure-fire ways to deal with this lifestyle challenge and get back on the path of joy. 

Let me know how it worked for you in the comments below. Especially if you ran into any challenges and difficulties. 

xoxo

Brenda

What am I? Invisible?

I’ve often asked myself that question.

I spent much of my life with the feeling I wasn’t being seen or heard. Feeling invisible.

It’s human nature to want to be seen and heard. Your dislike of that feeling of being invisible is a good thing! The problem isn’t that we want to be seen and heard. The problem is either we aren’t communicating our truth and/or we’re hanging around with the wrong people.  

Know your truth

For some people this is easy. For me, it wasn’t. There have been plenty of times in my life where I didn’t have clarity on my own feelings, beliefs and what was true for me.

There were also plenty of times I knew what my truth was, I simply didn’t have the courage to speak it.

We can’t be seen and heard if we aren’t speaking our truth.

But, what if you speak your truth and others truly are not listening?

Find your tribe

We all need people in our lives who share our truths or at least understand them. These are the ones who ‘get us.’ These beautiful folks are in our tribe. They are the easiest people to be around.

We’re all challenged with people who don’t share our truths, who don’t get us. Let’s make one important distinction with this group.

There are people who don’t share our truth and don’t get us, but they don’t criticize us for being different than they are. They aren’t judging us or constantly trying to get us to change our truth. These are people we can be with on some level. There may not be a lot intimacy, due to the lack of shared values, but we can work with them and socialize with them without feeling diminished or dismissed.

Then there are those who are…

Not in your tribe

These are the folks it’s time to move away from. I mean that literally or emotionally. You don’t need everyone to see and hear you. But you need those who don’t, the people you feel invisible with, to be on the outer edges of your life, or not in your life at all.

You may work with these people. You may live with these people. These people may be in your families. They can be anywhere. What do you do?

Clean your tribal home

It may be time to make some hard decisions.

Start by making sure you’re telling your truth in love. That your talking about yourself, your needs, wants, beliefs and what is true for you, not blaming the other person. This is one of those times it’s all about you, kid!

Once your house is in order, you may need to evaluate whether you’re in alignment with your job and relationships in your life. You may need to leave some people and groups because they aren’t in your tribe. That can be difficult, but it seems to always pay off.

I am always surprised at the rush of energy I get when I break away from people and jobs or groups that are not in alignment with me. It doesn’t make them bad or wrong, just not what’s best for me.

Think of it like an archery target. The bull's eye is right in the center, and it’s small. That spot is for people you feel in total alignment with, but it’s a small space because we don’t usually have more than a couple of those at a time in our lives. Then the circles move outward. A little farther away from you, until you get to that outer edge. Those folks are so far away from you, you hardly notice them.

Your tribe is inside or near near the bull's eye, then you move out from there. Keep the people who don’t see and hear you on that outer edge.

When we surround ourselves with people who see and hear us, we live lavishly!

Loneliness in a relationship! What?

Yes, you read that right.

To me the loneliest thing in the world is being lonely when you’re in a relationship!

I suppose it’s inevitable at some point, even in a good relationship. Our partner can’t always be there and can’t always have the energy to give us what we need and want. That’s normal.

Then there is the loneliness that starts off small, almost something you can dismiss, until it grows. As it grows, you realize, your relationship isn’t working. Once you realize it isn’t working, you may be able to get things back on track. Get a coach. Go to counseling. Manage growing yourselves to the next level of intimacy. Or, you go the other way, grow apart more and feel lonelier until one of you decides it’s over.

Either way, loneliness inside a relationship is painful.

How to cure a case of the lonely blues?

First and foremost, whatever the cause of the loneliness is, take care of yourself. I know there’s a lot of talk these days about self-care. There are tons of books written about it, but how many of us really do it? Really take care of ourselves. If you stop and think about it, we often want others to take care of us. Maybe not to do the laundry, feed or bathe us, but take care of how we feel.

So often when we feel “bad” in anyway, we look to something outside of ourselves to change that.  A person, a shopping trip, a massage or a lovely manicure and pedicure. While there’s nothing wrong with any of those, they aren’t actually a substitute for self-care.

What is self-care, really?

Self-care is when we are so good to ourselves, so loving and nurturing, that we feel content. We feel cared for. It doesn’t mean you never want to hear someone else say something loving or do something that is nurturing, but it does mean that you don’t have to have it from someone else. Because you are constantly giving it to yourself.

The interesting thing for me is that when I take really good care of myself, I have better boundaries with the man I’m with. When I’m taking care of me, the things he does are like icing on the cake and let me tell you… I LOVE icing! I also feel that if he’s not giving me the things I need and want, I need to leave. Not because I’m cake-less, to use the previous analogy, but because I LOVE icing! Why be in a cake store where they don’t have any? I would leave. I leave with all my wholeness, all my cake, intact, because I make the cake.

Don’t get me wrong, we all need relationships and interactions with people. Self-care isn’t about being an on island alone. What it does is help you pick your favorite icing (you can tell I’m loving this analogy).

If I’ve already got an awesome cake, made by me, then whether it’s a friendship, lover, soulmate or evening together, I’ll choose someone who I think has icing that I love. If, after a while, I realize they are serving up a particular icing I don’t like or I realize all they do is talk about icing, but I’ve never really gotten any of it, then I’m much clearer about taking my cake and going somewhere else for icing.

First things first. If you don’t already have your own awesome cake, make one for yourself right away. Here’s the truth, the more you do it, the better you get at cake-making. After a while, it takes no effort at all. Cake-making becomes your thing and you find you’re happy, with or without icing.

Ever feel not lovable enough?

I know exactly how this feels.

I’ve been divorced twice and single for 17 years. I can, and have, gone deep into the rabbit hole of not feeling lovable enough.

Valentine’s Day is approaching. This is one of two holidays (New Year’s Eve being the other) that puts a magnifying glass on the issue of being part of a couple or being single.

When I drop into that rabbit hole of feeling not loveable, I can give you plenty of evidence to support that thought. It’s a thought that leads to a terrible feeling of emptiness and unworthiness. Not a fun feeling.

Just say no.

Say no to the thought. Let’s face it, there are other thoughts you say no to, probably all the time. Especially if you’re trying to start a new habit or stop an old one. You have the thought, I should go to the gym today. Then you say to yourself, no. I’ll do that tomorrow. Or, you tell yourself you shouldn’t eat that piece of cake, you are on a diet, and you say, no. No to the diet.

Why not take the same approach with the thought that you aren’t loveable (desirable, clever, cute or any other reason you tell yourself for being single)? Just say no. No. I am loveable. I am desirable. I am clever. I am cute. I am….

Then grab a supportive friend, or invite some people over, or get online and do a video conferencing party with some cool people that don’t live near you. (Zoom is a great free service for video conferencing. They don’t care if you do it for fun instead of business!)

Break the habit of telling yourself you are not loveable enough. The only way to break a habit is to start doing things differently. Trust me, that thought, and the others that stress you out, are just habits. They can be replaced by something more fun.

Give yourself the Valentine’s gift of something much more fun! You are lovable. You are desirable, you are clever and cute and everything you need to be. You are exactly who you need to be. You are a gift. A Valentine’s gift to yourself and the world.

Live Lavishly Light Episode #9

Are you sick and tired of being single?

I have been single for 17 years and I know a thing or two about feeling as though everyone is in a relationship except me.

I have an exercise I am going to share in this week's LLL episode that I hope will bring you some comfort and confidence on those days when you just hate being single.