Loneliness in a relationship! What?

Yes, you read that right.

To me the loneliest thing in the world is being lonely when you’re in a relationship!

I suppose it’s inevitable at some point, even in a good relationship. Our partner can’t always be there and can’t always have the energy to give us what we need and want. That’s normal.

Then there is the loneliness that starts off small, almost something you can dismiss, until it grows. As it grows, you realize, your relationship isn’t working. Once you realize it isn’t working, you may be able to get things back on track. Get a coach. Go to counseling. Manage growing yourselves to the next level of intimacy. Or, you go the other way, grow apart more and feel lonelier until one of you decides it’s over.

Either way, loneliness inside a relationship is painful.

How to cure a case of the lonely blues?

First and foremost, whatever the cause of the loneliness is, take care of yourself. I know there’s a lot of talk these days about self-care. There are tons of books written about it, but how many of us really do it? Really take care of ourselves. If you stop and think about it, we often want others to take care of us. Maybe not to do the laundry, feed or bathe us, but take care of how we feel.

So often when we feel “bad” in anyway, we look to something outside of ourselves to change that.  A person, a shopping trip, a massage or a lovely manicure and pedicure. While there’s nothing wrong with any of those, they aren’t actually a substitute for self-care.

What is self-care, really?

Self-care is when we are so good to ourselves, so loving and nurturing, that we feel content. We feel cared for. It doesn’t mean you never want to hear someone else say something loving or do something that is nurturing, but it does mean that you don’t have to have it from someone else. Because you are constantly giving it to yourself.

The interesting thing for me is that when I take really good care of myself, I have better boundaries with the man I’m with. When I’m taking care of me, the things he does are like icing on the cake and let me tell you… I LOVE icing! I also feel that if he’s not giving me the things I need and want, I need to leave. Not because I’m cake-less, to use the previous analogy, but because I LOVE icing! Why be in a cake store where they don’t have any? I would leave. I leave with all my wholeness, all my cake, intact, because I make the cake.

Don’t get me wrong, we all need relationships and interactions with people. Self-care isn’t about being an on island alone. What it does is help you pick your favorite icing (you can tell I’m loving this analogy).

If I’ve already got an awesome cake, made by me, then whether it’s a friendship, lover, soulmate or evening together, I’ll choose someone who I think has icing that I love. If, after a while, I realize they are serving up a particular icing I don’t like or I realize all they do is talk about icing, but I’ve never really gotten any of it, then I’m much clearer about taking my cake and going somewhere else for icing.

First things first. If you don’t already have your own awesome cake, make one for yourself right away. Here’s the truth, the more you do it, the better you get at cake-making. After a while, it takes no effort at all. Cake-making becomes your thing and you find you’re happy, with or without icing.

I'm not busy enough

What!? Is that a typo?

Not at all. It's day nine of 12 Days of Enough and I know at the holidays, there are times we feel like we aren’t busy enough.

What that usually translates into is not being popular enough or not having enough friends or family. You’re lonely. You have too much time on your hands.

Here's my "not busy enough" story

I remember one Christmas morning. It was the first time, post-divorce, that my kids were with their dad, instead of waking up with me.

Let me tell you, it was the quietest, calmest Christmas morning ever and I hated it! I definitely didn’t feel busy enough.

What’s my Lifestyle Advice for this one?

Be good to yourself. Even if that means having a good cry. Just don’t get stuck in the crying.

Take yourself out to a movie or grab a good book.

Volunteer and help those who need you.

This is the perfect time to give back. It will keep you busy, grateful and feeling connected to the community. We’re never alone. There are so many people who long for connection and acceptance. Give what you want. Connection and acceptance.

That’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Please feel free give the gift of being enough to your friends by sharing this with them! They can click here to get the series delivered directly to them. 

Ever feel not lovable enough?

It's day two of our 12 Days of Enough and I know there are people out there who don't feel lovable enough. 

Maybe you're single. Maybe your relationship is suffering. Maybe you feel alone this holiday season. You may be telling yourself you aren't lovable enough for the relationship or life you want.

Here's my lifestyle advice:

I know a thing or two about this. I’ve been divorced twice and I've been single for most of the last 17 years. During that time I had one ‘significant’ relationship that lasted three years. I can, and have, gone deep into the rabbit hole of not being lovable enough.

When I’m in that hole, I can give you tons of evidence to support that thought. It’s a thought that leads to a terrible feeling of emptiness and unworthiness. Not very festive!

Let’s slay this one. For starters, there’s no such thing as not being lovable enough.

You are lovable because you were born!

I have to say, I didn't truly learn this until my grandchildren were born.

For those of you who haven’t experienced it, let me tell you, it is the purest love there is. This little person is connected to you, bone of your bones, flesh of your flesh, so to speak. Yet, you aren’t responsible for them, so you don’t feel the weight of that. All there is, is pure love.

And it’s not because they have such adorable personalities. Think about it. A newborn has no personality at all. They sleep, eat, cry and poop. That’s it. And you love them, just because they showed up and sleep, eat, cry and poop. It’s not their personalities or the things they do for you. They are lovable because…they are.

That’s the way it is with you

In truth, you are lovable, just because you are you. That’s it. Wrap yourself in some unconditional love.

Many of us were not blessed with being surrounded by unconditional love, but here’s the really cool thing; we can give it to ourselves. It totally works. I’ve done it. Love yourself because you can. Because you’re love-able. Because you were born.

Be in a relationship with yourself. Date yourself. Woo yourself. Give yourself Christmas or Hanukkah gifts. Seriously. Wrap them. Light the candles. Decorate the tree. Do it all for the love of you, because you are totally love-able enough! 



Please feel free give the gift of being enough to your friends by sharing this with them! They can click here to get the series delivered directly to them.