Sorry. Not Sorry

I think being sexy, at least for a woman, has gotten a bad rap.

I love being sexy and I’m not apologizing for it! Sorry. Not Sorry.

There’s a stigma that some men will behave badly when a woman behaves or dresses sexy. And that somehow, that is the woman’s fault. What can she expect after all? Men will be men. They are stimulated visually. It’s not their fault.

Ummm, really? I am very stimulated visually. So, following this logic; if I see a man who stimulates me sexually; would I touch him, maybe graze over his crotch, as if by accident, so I can cop a feel? Would I stare or tell him how I’d love to see him out of that suit and in my bed? Or better yet, serve back a line that I’ve heard before, “You know what would look good on you? Me!” Ummm, no. I don’t think so.

YUCK! Can we have a collective yuck on that!

Acting and dressing sexy, taking a sexy selfie, showing some cleavage or wearing a great pair of sexy heels, doesn’t mean you are inviting others to make sexual advances.

When I’m expressing myself in a way that some would describe as sexy, or when I commissioned a pinup painting, as I did lately, I’m not doing it to get attention from a man. I’m doing it because I like expressing myself that way. And I’m proud to have the confidence to do so. Just like I also enjoy expressing myself in a formal gown with heels or yoga pants with flip flops. I do it for me. Because they are all part of who I am.

How I dress isn’t an open invitation.

I'm also not apologizing for how I dress or act. I refuse to be sorry that, sometimes, I act and dress in a manner that could be described as sexy.  

I don’t dress, nor behave, for others. I dress for myself. I act in ways that are congruent with my authentic self. My sexy self!

Some people like it. Some people don’t. That’s fine.

And, please, let’s stop with the insinuations and statements I often hear about how “She deserved it. Look how she’s dressed.” Or a classic, “She was flirting with him. Of course, he got aroused. What did she expect?”

I’ll tell you what she expected. To be treated as an equal. To be treated with respect. To be treated with dignity. She expects that a man is always, and I mean always, responsible for how he behaves and what he says. Even under the ‘duress’ of a sexy woman! If you can’t control yourself, stay away!

That means, even if she’s flirting, you don’t touch without asking. You dance the dance of flirtation with respect and dignity which means you check in to be sure she’s enjoying it as much as you are.

Women, it means you stay tuned into your own body and senses and you always give yourself permission to say, “no.” You give yourself permission to walk away. I don’t care if you “started it.” Walk the fuck away. It’s your right. Make a scene if you need to!

It’s time to stop blaming women for their sexiness.  

What will you do to express your sexy side this week? Does that intimidate you? Does it excite you? I’d love to hear how you feel about letting your sexy-side come out to play and how you do that.

If you need them, here are a few suggestions:

  • Sexy lingerie is a great way to turn-on your sexy.

  • Wear Red lipstick. I mean, really red. Marilyn Monroe Red. It’s always sexy

  • Wear a mini-skirt or item of clothing that shows a little more skin than you’re used to

  • Listen to sultry, sexy music

  • Light some candles, run the bathwater, turn on the music and give yourself some pleasure…you know what I mean!

Not pretty enough for those damn holiday photos

It's day six of 12 Days of Enough and I definitely have something to say about this one!

Do you have an aversion to holiday photos? If you have the thought that you aren’t pretty enough, you probably avoid photos all year long, not just at the holidays!

Let’s consider this. Not pretty enough. Who decides what defines ‘pretty?’

Take some time and think about this.

Be a bit of a private investigator of your thought. Where did it come from? Did someone tell you that you aren’t pretty? If so, who was it? Was it a person you love? Or maybe no one said it to you, but you’ve learned to compare yourself to others.

Compare and despair

We always lose when we compare ourselves to others. Even Cindy Crawford does. I've read so many stories of famous women who have built their reputations and fortunes on how they look, yet, when asked, they will criticize their looks or their bodies. There is always someone skinnier or prettier or something. 

Allow yourself to be liberated

If you've ever thought that you aren't pretty enough, I want you to think about why you think that. Dig deep and get all of those thoughts and write them on paper.

The act of writing thoughts and ideas on paper is magical. Sometimes I have a thought that seems very ‘true’ and very important. As I write it down in my journal, I realize how ridiculous the thought is. Nothing happened other than the act of writing it down.

Back to our exercise, you’ve written down everything you can think of that would cause this thought, I’m not pretty enough for holiday photos (or anything else you come up with.)

Alright, now you’ve got your hit list of thoughts. It's time for the liberation. 

Here's the fun part: let’s put them in the mirror.

I know. You may avoid mirrors, but this time, all is well.

This is a magic mirror that will serve you and liberate you to freedom! Take your thoughts and write the opposite.

It looks like this: I am pretty enough for holiday photos. I am pretty. And other opposite statements. While you may be tempted to laugh at these statements, hang on and do this with me.

Stop for a moment and get still. Interrupt the habitual pattern of your thoughts that charge in and tell you the old story about not being pretty enough. You know them well. Let them drop away for a moment.

Let the opposite thought resonate

I am pretty. How is that true? I want you to think of three legitimate reasons why that’s true. I know you have them. 1) A lover, spouse or friend who told you that you’re pretty. 2) A time when you looked in the mirror and had even a speck of a moment where you thought you looked pretty. 3) You realize that being pretty, beauty, is more than our individual features. It’s something that shines from the inside out and you are truly pretty. Beautiful even.

Now, before the well-rehearsed rebuttals start up, stay with these reasons that your opposite thought is true. Let them take root. They seem small because they haven’t had as much time in your mind. Repeat them. Let them settle in. Let them become the new normal. There’s no better gift to give yourself than the gift of experiencing even a few moments of knowing your self-critical thoughts are not true.

Here's what I know for sure this holiday season: you are pretty enough! 

Please feel free give the gift of being enough to your friends by sharing this with them! They can click here to get the series delivered directly to them.