Summer of Self-Care: Giving Yourself Permission to Say Yes

Ahhh, Summer. Do you imagine lazy nights in the backyard watching the fireflies and sipping a glass of wine?

Or maybe you're imagining yourself in you chair on a beach, hiking in the mountains or any other activity that relaxes your body, mind and soul!

And then reality hits. 

The kids have a million things they need to be taken to.

Something happens at work that requires added time and energy. 

Your romantic relationship blows up. 

Your mom falls and can’t get up so you end up caring for her or making all the arrangements for her to be cared for. 

Life happens. 

It’s easy to let it rob us of time, money and even the energy to invest in our own self-care. 

What do you do? 

I know we can’t ignore life. 

Yet, when something is a priority, it seems to get done and everything else falls into place, or doesn’t happen and it ends up being okay. 

You know how it is right before you leave on vacation? Things get extra busy those last few days, yet, you get packed and get on the airplane or load the car and leave for the road trip! Because you prioritized it! 

I’m curious? What’s the hardest part of self-care to prioritize when life throws a ton of stuff at you? Is it your sleep? Movement? How you eat/drink? Maybe you cancel your massage, acupuncture and coaching appointments. Hit reply and share it with me!

There’s no need to judge or criticize yourself. Simply notice how you stopped prioritizing your own self-care and make adjustments. Give yourself permission to take care of yourself, no matter what! You aren’t going for perfection. Every moment and every bit of energy you devote to yourself will pay off 10-fold!

Do you need a “room of your own?”

Are you exhausted? 

Are you tired of doing things for so many others, at home, at work, in the community, that you’re ready to burst? 

Do you need a “room of your own?” 

A place for peace. 

A place that is only for you. 

You can rest, relax, reconnect with your heart and soul, calm your mind, dream, sleep or anything else that feels delightful to you! 

It’s like taking your own Eat, Pray, Love trip in one room. You may not eat as much pasta as Liz Gilbert did, but you’ll save a lot of money! 

We all need a room of our own. 

Even if you’re partnered and share your room with your lover, there are times you need solitude.

Today, I’m giving you full permission (not that you need it) to give yourself a room of your own. 

It might be a guest room or unused spot in your house. Just make sure you have privacy. Put beautiful things in it. Put comfortable soothing things in it. If there’s a bed, make sure the sheets and bedding feel delightful to you and are beautiful. 

If there isn’t an extra room you can use (I understand that entirely as I have always lived in relatively small homes, even when I had 4 kids running around!) then ask your partner to give you the space. It can be temporary. Even if it means sleeping on the couch a night or two, or put one of the kids on an air mattress so your partner can sleep in their bed. Get creative. You can find a way. You deserve to carve out a space for yourself. For your mental health. For your pleasure. Because you need… a room of your own!

What Delights You?

When was the last time you thought about what would delight you? 

Delight! 

What’s the first thing that comes up for you? 

Do you instantly think of something that would delight you? 

Or do you think, “I don’t have time to think about what delights me!” 

It’s a powerful question. Here’s how I use it in a very practical way…

I am on a deadline to get this blog out. Fine. Writing this blog and getting it on Instagram, emailed out to everyone on my email list and putting on the blog section of my website is on my “To-Do” list. 

Now I’m going to add the question, “what can I do that will feel delightful while I do these tasks to get this blog to you?”

A simple answer came to me. Instead of sitting at my desk to get it all done, I’ll take my laptop and sit on my front porch so I can be outside, see all the hummingbirds flying around, and enjoy the sunshine. 

BAM! Suddenly the tasks to get my blog out are more… delightful! 

How would your day feel different if you found three things that you need to do and simply added a little delight to them? 

Delight has become part of my self-care routine. I frequently ask myself, “how can I make this delightful?” Suddenly even a boring To-Do list is more interesting and fun. When we invite delight into the mundane aspects of life, we’ve elevated our experience. 

Tell me, what will you do to make something delightful today? 

That’s what self-care looks like. That’s what self-love looks like. Taking that extra moment to bring more delight into your life.

What do you want to give yourself this holiday season?

There’s nothing more impactful than the gift of self-love and self-care. 

But, those are easier said than done! Am I right? 

Everyone talks about self-care and self-love, but how do we actually DO IT?! 

And how do we do it without it becoming one more thing on our too long to-do list, or one more thing on our list of self-criticisms because we aren’t doing it!? 

Start here. 

Wipe the slate clean. Today is a fresh starting point. 

How can you love and care for yourself today? 

It might be to take one thing off your to-do list, because… you can. I know you want to do it or feel like you should, but if it doesn’t feel loving, be brave enough to take it off and feel how loving it is! 

It might be scheduling a self-care service for yourself. A mani/pedi or massage. Or how about a service to make your life easier like calling a cleaning service, even if it’s just for one time, or getting your gifts wrapped. 

It might be giving yourself the gift of my luxury retreat, Elevate Your Life. This retreat will be transformational. You’ll be able to take self-care and self-love to the next level. You’ll get time and sacred space with a few like-minded women to elevate every area of your life that needs elevating. You will leave feeling relaxed, cared-for and rejuvenated. Get all the deets and secure your spot HERE. 

Whatever you do, just start. Choose yourself. Everyone in your life will benefit from it. 

Today is a fresh starting point.

Are You Over It?!

“I am over it! I’m so tired of helping everyone solve their problems and picking up the slack for them!” My client was pissed and I knew exactly how he felt. 

That’s what people pleasers do. We solve other people problems and pick up the slack for them. 

That’s why we get so exhausted. 

That’s why we’re so burned out. 

I’ve learned that people pleasing is a symptom of a deeper issue. There is something in all of us that “causes” people pleasing. 

While it’s important that I help my client learn how to set boundaries in her work and personal relationships so that she can end the cycle of exhaustion, if we don’t address what’s causing her people pleasing habits, we’re just putting a bandaid on a broken leg. 

So, what do we do? 

How do we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptom? 

This is where 1:1 coaching is so powerful! 

The cause of your people pleasing habits is unique to you. There’s probably more than one. 

It’s hard to get to the cause of something by ourselves because we’re so distracted by the symptom. 

And rightly so. Just because it’s a symptom doesn’t mean it’s not a huge deal! 

But dealing with symptoms only gets us so far. 

That’s why I take my clients on an inner journey that identifies cause so we can create lasting transformation. 

Sure, I also give client’s practical tools to handle those symptoms. 

Healing the cause is where true liberation lies! 

I want you to experience lasting transformation! Book a 15-Minute Discovery Call HERE and we’ll create your liberation! 

What is Self-Care?

There is no single definition of self-care, but it is often described as performing a series of actions to improve your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. The subject of self-care is a very broad one, and it certainly means something tremendously different to each and every individual. self-care is indeed much more than these things, and there really is no right or wrong way to indulge in this practice as long as it is something that helps to bring you joy and makes you feel mentally and physically refreshed, 

But what do you think Self care really is? 

In Today’s Episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser, I’m gonna share Some examples of what Self care is for me, not only that, but I’m also going to dig deeper and answer some very important questions:

- What does self-care really mean?

- Why is self-care important? 

- How to differentiate between self-care & pleasure?

Listen to today’s episode HERE

If you like Today’s Episode, please don’t hesitate to post a 5-Stars review if you’re listening to the Podcast on Apple iTunes or Spotify and leave us a review telling us how our podcast helped you in a specific aspect of your life. It makes me so happy to see listeners' feedback because it motivates me to create content that is impactful for you and other listeners.

Say Yes to You

How many times in a day do you say yes to others and not to yourself? 

At times in our life, we struggle with the fact that we focus too much about others happiness, putting others needs and concerns before ours. 

It is the beginning of losing our sense of worth and authenticity and undervaluing ourselves. It’s exhausting and we can’t live that way forever. 

When we start saying yes to ourselves and putting ourselves first it’s not selfishness, It's actually the opposite. Saying Yes to You is actually a healthy act of self-respect. 

Today am sharing some examples and real life experiences in context to our today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser, and I’m gonna also dig deeper and answer some very important questions:

- How crucial is saying yes to you and why?
- How to change from people pleasing and ignoring yourself to saying yes to you?

And I’m also so excited to share my new group coaching program with you guys today and we will discuss that more in depth as well.

For quick access to the new group coaching program I’m hosting you can get all the deets and register here:

• Say Yes to You for Teens

• Say Yes to Your for Women

Listen to today’s episode HERE

If you like Today’s Episode, please don’t hesitate to post a 5-Stars review if you’re listening to the Podcast on Apple iTunes or Spotify and leave us a review telling us how our podcast helped you in a specific aspect of your life. It makes me so happy to see listeners' feedback because it motivates me to create content that is impactful for you and other listeners.

How to Ask for What You Need

It can be amazingly difficult to ask for what we need. 

There may be some topics or with certain people, that it’s easy, but for most of us, it feels more complicated. 

If we’re pretty sure the person isn’t going to want to give us what we ask for, we might get triggered into anger, or overly justifying and rationalizing why we are asking. 

In today’s Liberate Your People Pleaser  episode, I’ll break down how to ask for what you need in a way that is compelling and simple. 

There’s no better skill to start the new year with!

You can listen to today’s episode HERE.

Happy New Year and I’d love to hear about the things you want to ask for in 2022. DM me and tell me about them! 

Put Yourself at the Top of Your List

Growing up we were often taught that being selfless is better than being selfish. But there’s a huge difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself. Overwhelm will often kick in when we’re running around taking care of everybody else, and haven’t stopped and considered what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Because putting the happiness and well being of others before our own wants and needs is a formula for exhaustion, overwhelm and burn-out. We cannot be our best selves living our best lives if we constantly put others before ourselves.

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m going to dig deep and answer some  very important questions regarding today’ topic:

Why do you need to put Yourself at the Top of Your List?

How to drop the habits of people-pleasing?

How to stop prioritizing other people over yourself without being selfish?

How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs?

And much more.

Listen to today’s episode HERE. 

Enjoy ending 2021 and beginning fresh, at the top of your list, 2022!

Put Yourself at the Top of Your List

Growing up we were often taught that being selfless is better than being selfish. But there’s a huge difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself. Overwhelm will often kick in when we’re running around taking care of everybody else, and haven’t stopped and considered what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Because putting the happiness and well being of others before our own wants and needs is a formula for exhaustion, overwhelm and burn-out. We cannot be our best selves living our best lives if we constantly put others before ourselves.

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m going to dig deep and answer some  very important question regarding today’ topic:

Why do you need to put Yourself at the Top of Your List?

How to drop the habits of people-pleasing?

How to stop prioritizing other people over yourself without being selfish?

How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs?

And much more.. Listen to today’s episode HERE

If you like Today’s Episode, please don’t hesitate to post a 5-Stars review if you’re listening to the Podcast on Apple iTunes or Spotify and leave us a review telling us how our podcast helped you in a specific aspect of your life. It makes me so happy to see listeners' feedback because it motivates me to create content that is impactful for you and other listeners.

Do You Need a Break?

I did! And I’m taking it! 

I’m on vacation this week! I’ve chosen a lovely staycation, since I’ve recently moved to paradise, I didn’t want to leave! 

What I did want was: 

• A break from social media

• A break from my typical routine

• Extended time for relaxing by the pool, or at the beach, with a good book

• Time to dream about what’s important to me

• Time to dream about what I want my future to look like

• Time to do nothing

What about you? Even though I may not respond until next week, I’d love to know what you want? It might be some down time, it might be to start a project that is meaningful to you, it might be to soak in a long hot bath. 

What do you want? 

Staying in Your Own Sandbox - Wait - What?

This came up in Cocktails and Coaching last week. 

Staying in our sandbox, instead of messing in someone else’s sandbox. 

Let me explain… 

It’s all about how, as people pleasers, it’s easy to have empathy for someone else. But then we tend to take on those feelings, take on their problems or make how they feel and what they need more important than how we feel or what we need. Right? Everyone can relate to that! 

Welcome to the sandbox metaphor. 

Imagine each of us has a sandbox. In the sandbox are all your feelings, your body, your thoughts, your desires, your wants and needs, everything that is uniquely you. It’s a gorgeous sandbox! 

Everyone has their own sandbox. With their own feelings, their body, their thoughts, desires, wants, needs and everything that is unique to them. Their sandbox is gorgeous too and it’s just right for them and their journey. 

It’s great to look over at that other sandbox and notice that they are sad, anxious, fearful, or anything else. From my sandbox, I can ask them if I can support them or I can simply be beside them, in my own sandbox, seeing and hearing them. In healthy empathy we can see the other person without taking their stuff on as if it were our own.

When we get into people pleasing we tend to hop right into their sandbox. Trying to make it better, solve their problem, change how they feel, and we give lots of advice! We’re sure, in the nicest way, that we can make their sandbox better. 

The problem is, we have to leave our sandbox to get into theirs. That’s why we end up feeling resentful or exhausted. Because we are not in our own sandbox taking care of what we need, prioritizing our feelings and self-care. 

On top of that, when we hop over to someone else’s sandbox we start robbing them of the life lessons they need in order to take care of their own sandbox. In the extreme, that means they never really learn to take care of themselves. They never learn how to create a sandbox that suits their unique life. 

Staying in our sandbox, playing, creating, living the life that brings us joy is actually the best way to “help” another person. When they see you living in freedom and joy, it allows them to get inspired to create a sandbox that brings them freedom and joy. 

Where have you hopped over into someone else's sandbox? It’s so easy to do. There’s no shame in it. Simply notice it, and get back into your own sandbox. Then fill it with all the self-care you need to recover from leaving it. 

What to do when the rug gets ripped out from under you

I had the rug totally ripped out from under me last week. 

I was angry. Disappointed. I felt deflated and defeated.

What did I do?

I doubled down on my self-love and self-care. Exactly what I coach client’s to do. 

I’m not a very good coach if I can’t practice what I preach. 

When the going gets tough, it’s not time to push harder, or dive into self-criticism and judgment, although we will be tempted.  

If you’re an eternal optimist, like me, you will also be tempted to make yourself look on the bright-side or focus on the “silver lining,” bypassing the “negative” emotions that you’re feeling.

We might even get feedback from friends and family that is smacks of judgement, silver linings or being “strong.”

But here’s what you really need, it’s exactly what I needed and did. 

Self-love and self-care. 

Simple. But, not familiar to most of us.  

You might be wondering what self-love and self-care look like. So often we think of going to get our nails done or taking ourselves out to dinner. That might be it, but it may not. 

To me, the secret to self-love and self-care is that it’s a gift from you, to you. You don’t need anyone else. It’s not dependent on a spouse, lover, friend, or frankly a good manicurist or bartender. If it is dependent on someone else, it could get fu*$ed-up by that someone else. 

Don’t leave your self-love and self-care in the hands of someone else! If you think of it, that’s not even what it’s called. It’s not “other-love” or “other-care.” 

It’s about the self. You. You as the answer. You as the gift. Because, you are.

You might: 

• Quit work early

• Take a nice bath or shower

• Using a favorite soap, bubble bath or lotion and really taking the time to notice how it smells and feels on your body

• Masterbation is fantastic for healing, loving and grounding the body

• Reading a fun book

• Cooking yourself a lovely meal (if you love to cook this can be very loving)

• Take a walk/run or even sit in nature

• Meditate

• Light some candles

• Listen to music

• Take a nap

• Go to bed early (sleep is incredibly healing)

You’ll notice, these don’t require another person or money. 

You have everything you need to heal and rejuvenate yourself. Sure, it might take a combination of things, you might not bounce-back in an hour or even a day, but these will all nurture your mind, body and spirit. They will bring you back to wholeness, enoughness, and belief in your own resilience and confidence. 

What’s your favorite self-love/self-care activity? I’d love to hear what you do?

Is “Closure” an Illusion?

Everyone talks about getting “closure” when relationships end. 

What is it that makes us think there is such a thing, or that it would help? 

Think about a relationship that you’ve had come to an end, that has been painful. It might be a romantic relationship, friendship, or even a family member. 

Or maybe you think about “closure” in regard to things that you’ve lost? A job, relationship or something of value. If so, think of that. 

What are you hoping to get with closure? 

Do you want to know “what happened?” Or, “where things went wrong?” Or the age old question, “why?”

But the answers to those questions, rarely, if ever, serve us. 

What they do is re-victimize us. 

The departing spouse gets to tell you all the things you did that they didn’t like. Or all the things that are “wrong with you” which is why they had to leave, have an affair, take your money, whatever the case may be. 

Sometimes worse, we spiral down into self-criticism - all on our own!

Filled with “I should have…” or “If only I had done/not done…” 

This is why I love the “don’t know” mind. It allows for a fresh start. 

What if you didn’t know why, never knew why, how or what ever it is, you think will give you closure? 

You start fresh, in the present moment. With exactly what is, but only what is. Nothing extra. Nothing less. 

It might look like this: I am a person betrayed by my spouse/lover who needs a place to live and needs to heal from the hurt I’ve experienced. I have a few people close to me that I can trust to love and support me during this time. I will ask for the help I need. I will take care of myself to facilitate my healing. I will seek the help of a professional. I am seeking what wants to emerge in me during this transitional and transformational time. 

Those statements honor what has happened and they empower you. You are not dependent on someone else to be okay, to heal, or to get back on your feet. Sure, you’re asking for help, and you are setting yourself up to be willing to receive help. That’s empowering! 

Now, I understand that it might be easier said than done, but I promise you it’s possible and it’s far more empowering than any imagining of closure, because it keeps you in the driver’s seat of your life! Where you belong. 

And, I am here to help you. I would love to be the professional you ask a helping hand from. It’s really a ‘facilitation’, which is a more empowering word than ‘help.’ I facilitate liberation in my clients. That way they experience true and lasting transformation. 

DM me and let me know if you could use a little facilitation into liberation! We’ll set up a call to chat and decide if now is the right time and if I am the right coach for you. 

Do You Need a Break?

I did! And I took it. 

How about you? Do you have a break scheduled? 

I know “scheduling a break” doesn’t sound very sexy and you may wish that someone would offer to give you a break. But the truth is, if we don’t schedule a break for ourselves, we probably won’t get one. 

It’s so easy to get caught in this old people pleasing trap! 

Hell, I’m single and self-employed, and I still find myself wishing someone would tell me to take a break. 

Because if someone else told me to, then it would be okay. 

If my boss (well, in my case that’s me) or my lover (oh! Me again) or my checking account or even a BFF would just say, “hey, Brenda. You look like you could use a break! Take the afternoon. Get a mani/pedi or massage. Read a book. Binge some Netflix if it feels good. Sleep if you want. Whatever feels good. You deserve it!” 

Ahhh, how nice it would be to be expressly given permission by someone else. 

But wait. Is that really how you want to live? Only taking a break when someone else notices AND tells you to take a break? 

I hope the answer is no. You’re a grown-ass human being for goodness sake! You don’t need anyone’s permission to take a break! You take a break because you f’ing need one! 

And, that’s where the scheduling comes in. If it’s in your calendar, you’re going to take yourself seriously. Otherwise, as soon as someone else needs you or wants you to do something for them… you’ll ditch your break and go do what they need or want. 

It’s time to prioritize yourself. You don’t have to tell anyone you’re taking the afternoon, or day or week off to nap. Just say you’ve already got a commitment and aren’t available. If it’s someone you live with, then sure, tell them you’re taking a self-love day, but no one else needs an explanation. You don’t need to justify taking a break. 

I took one this week. In fact, I actually wrote this blog before I left on my break, because I didn’t want any deadlines hanging over me. 

I used some birthday money to book two glorious nights in Palm Springs. Two days of laying by the pool, reading, working on my tan, a bottle of my fav champagne… I’ll return feeling like a million bucks. It works every time! 

Try it! Start small if you have to. Take a break for an hour. Then work up to half a day. Then an entire day. Then… yes…. Go for it! Take an overnight! All to yourself! It’s the most generous thing to do for the people you work for and the people you love. Why? Because you’ll come back refreshed and renewed. 

Which allows us to give from a “full cup.” Which is… the best. 💜

In rest and relaxation,

Brenda

People Pleasing in the Bedroom 🙄

It’s time to talk about how people pleasing affects us in the bedroom. 

This is a subject near and dear to my heart, because I’ve lived through sexual abuse as a child and a truly disfunctional sex life in my first marriage. 

When that marriage was over one of my most prevailing thoughts, even though I had four kids from 8 - 15 years old that I needed to support on my own when I didn’t make enough money to do that… was, yay! I never have to have sex again! 

I know. Hard to believe! 

This is a big topic that I can’t do justice to in one blog, but let’s start the conversation. 

When we are in our people pleasing habits that keep us prioritizing our partners wants, needs, feelings, likes and dislikes, we can’t be in our authentic power. When we aren’t in our authentic power, we can’t be authentic lovers. 

We can have sex. We can say yes, when we want to say no. We can tell ourselves it’s what’s expected of a good wife/husband. (Yes, ladies, there are plenty of men who are people pleasers in and out of the bedroom and it doesn’t serve them any more than it does us.) We can go through the motions, but the best sex is always when we’re really present. 

That’s why, for those of you who have experienced it, it can be easier to have great sex with a stranger. There’s not any relationship baggage and we tend to be present. Our bodies were made for pleasure. If we show up and are present, it unusually turns out to be pretty good! 

How do we get our power back in the bedroom? How do we stop saying yes when we mean no, or prioritizing what our partner wants over what we want? 

The first step is deciding it’s important for you to get what you want and need in the bedroom. You’ve got to believe you have the right for your wants and needs to be a priority. Of course, in a healthy relationship we share who’s needs get priority if our needs are conflicting, but it can’t always be your lover’s turn! 

The second step is to know what you want. 

Wait. 

That might be a problem. 

If you’ve been prioritizing your lover for a long time, you might have lost touch with what you want in bed. What gives you the most pleasure. What is fun to you. If you’ve lost touch with your own pleasures, it’s time to go back to when you were a kid and innocently enjoyed exploring your  body and sexual stimulation. 

I grew up in such a sexually dysfunctional family, I didn’t do any innocent exploration of my body or sexual pleasures until I was in my 30’s. Yep. That’s not a typo! So… If I made it to sexual pleasure and freedom, you can too! 

Start. Take one step. Then take another. 

If you need some help, I’m here for you. 

This is a perfect issue to get some one-on-one coaching for. 

I promise, no matter where you’re at, there’s hope. You can have fantastic sex and feel authentic power in the bedroom. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to figure it all out. I’m here to gently guide you into your authentic sexual expression. Hit reply, your email is confidential and I’m the only one who will see it.

In power and pleasure, 

Brenda