Are You Over It?!

“I am over it! I’m so tired of helping everyone solve their problems and picking up the slack for them!” My client was pissed and I knew exactly how he felt. 

That’s what people pleasers do. We solve other people problems and pick up the slack for them. 

That’s why we get so exhausted. 

That’s why we’re so burned out. 

I’ve learned that people pleasing is a symptom of a deeper issue. There is something in all of us that “causes” people pleasing. 

While it’s important that I help my client learn how to set boundaries in her work and personal relationships so that she can end the cycle of exhaustion, if we don’t address what’s causing her people pleasing habits, we’re just putting a bandaid on a broken leg. 

So, what do we do? 

How do we get to the cause instead of just dealing with the symptom? 

This is where 1:1 coaching is so powerful! 

The cause of your people pleasing habits is unique to you. There’s probably more than one. 

It’s hard to get to the cause of something by ourselves because we’re so distracted by the symptom. 

And rightly so. Just because it’s a symptom doesn’t mean it’s not a huge deal! 

But dealing with symptoms only gets us so far. 

That’s why I take my clients on an inner journey that identifies cause so we can create lasting transformation. 

Sure, I also give client’s practical tools to handle those symptoms. 

Healing the cause is where true liberation lies! 

I want you to experience lasting transformation! Book a 15-Minute Discovery Call HERE and we’ll create your liberation! 

What is Self-Care?

There is no single definition of self-care, but it is often described as performing a series of actions to improve your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. The subject of self-care is a very broad one, and it certainly means something tremendously different to each and every individual. self-care is indeed much more than these things, and there really is no right or wrong way to indulge in this practice as long as it is something that helps to bring you joy and makes you feel mentally and physically refreshed, 

But what do you think Self care really is? 

In Today’s Episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser, I’m gonna share Some examples of what Self care is for me, not only that, but I’m also going to dig deeper and answer some very important questions:

- What does self-care really mean?

- Why is self-care important? 

- How to differentiate between self-care & pleasure?

Listen to today’s episode HERE

If you like Today’s Episode, please don’t hesitate to post a 5-Stars review if you’re listening to the Podcast on Apple iTunes or Spotify and leave us a review telling us how our podcast helped you in a specific aspect of your life. It makes me so happy to see listeners' feedback because it motivates me to create content that is impactful for you and other listeners.

How to Ask for What You Need

It can be amazingly difficult to ask for what we need. 

There may be some topics or with certain people, that it’s easy, but for most of us, it feels more complicated. 

If we’re pretty sure the person isn’t going to want to give us what we ask for, we might get triggered into anger, or overly justifying and rationalizing why we are asking. 

In today’s Liberate Your People Pleaser  episode, I’ll break down how to ask for what you need in a way that is compelling and simple. 

There’s no better skill to start the new year with!

You can listen to today’s episode HERE.

Happy New Year and I’d love to hear about the things you want to ask for in 2022. DM me and tell me about them! 

Put Yourself at the Top of Your List

Growing up we were often taught that being selfless is better than being selfish. But there’s a huge difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself. Overwhelm will often kick in when we’re running around taking care of everybody else, and haven’t stopped and considered what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Because putting the happiness and well being of others before our own wants and needs is a formula for exhaustion, overwhelm and burn-out. We cannot be our best selves living our best lives if we constantly put others before ourselves.

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m going to dig deep and answer some  very important questions regarding today’ topic:

Why do you need to put Yourself at the Top of Your List?

How to drop the habits of people-pleasing?

How to stop prioritizing other people over yourself without being selfish?

How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs?

And much more.

Listen to today’s episode HERE. 

Enjoy ending 2021 and beginning fresh, at the top of your list, 2022!

Put Yourself at the Top of Your List

Growing up we were often taught that being selfless is better than being selfish. But there’s a huge difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself. Overwhelm will often kick in when we’re running around taking care of everybody else, and haven’t stopped and considered what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

Because putting the happiness and well being of others before our own wants and needs is a formula for exhaustion, overwhelm and burn-out. We cannot be our best selves living our best lives if we constantly put others before ourselves.

In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m going to dig deep and answer some  very important question regarding today’ topic:

Why do you need to put Yourself at the Top of Your List?

How to drop the habits of people-pleasing?

How to stop prioritizing other people over yourself without being selfish?

How to Start Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Your Needs?

And much more.. Listen to today’s episode HERE

If you like Today’s Episode, please don’t hesitate to post a 5-Stars review if you’re listening to the Podcast on Apple iTunes or Spotify and leave us a review telling us how our podcast helped you in a specific aspect of your life. It makes me so happy to see listeners' feedback because it motivates me to create content that is impactful for you and other listeners.

Staying in Your Own Sandbox - Wait - What?

This came up in Cocktails and Coaching last week. 

Staying in our sandbox, instead of messing in someone else’s sandbox. 

Let me explain… 

It’s all about how, as people pleasers, it’s easy to have empathy for someone else. But then we tend to take on those feelings, take on their problems or make how they feel and what they need more important than how we feel or what we need. Right? Everyone can relate to that! 

Welcome to the sandbox metaphor. 

Imagine each of us has a sandbox. In the sandbox are all your feelings, your body, your thoughts, your desires, your wants and needs, everything that is uniquely you. It’s a gorgeous sandbox! 

Everyone has their own sandbox. With their own feelings, their body, their thoughts, desires, wants, needs and everything that is unique to them. Their sandbox is gorgeous too and it’s just right for them and their journey. 

It’s great to look over at that other sandbox and notice that they are sad, anxious, fearful, or anything else. From my sandbox, I can ask them if I can support them or I can simply be beside them, in my own sandbox, seeing and hearing them. In healthy empathy we can see the other person without taking their stuff on as if it were our own.

When we get into people pleasing we tend to hop right into their sandbox. Trying to make it better, solve their problem, change how they feel, and we give lots of advice! We’re sure, in the nicest way, that we can make their sandbox better. 

The problem is, we have to leave our sandbox to get into theirs. That’s why we end up feeling resentful or exhausted. Because we are not in our own sandbox taking care of what we need, prioritizing our feelings and self-care. 

On top of that, when we hop over to someone else’s sandbox we start robbing them of the life lessons they need in order to take care of their own sandbox. In the extreme, that means they never really learn to take care of themselves. They never learn how to create a sandbox that suits their unique life. 

Staying in our sandbox, playing, creating, living the life that brings us joy is actually the best way to “help” another person. When they see you living in freedom and joy, it allows them to get inspired to create a sandbox that brings them freedom and joy. 

Where have you hopped over into someone else's sandbox? It’s so easy to do. There’s no shame in it. Simply notice it, and get back into your own sandbox. Then fill it with all the self-care you need to recover from leaving it. 

What to do when the rug gets ripped out from under you

I had the rug totally ripped out from under me last week. 

I was angry. Disappointed. I felt deflated and defeated.

What did I do?

I doubled down on my self-love and self-care. Exactly what I coach client’s to do. 

I’m not a very good coach if I can’t practice what I preach. 

When the going gets tough, it’s not time to push harder, or dive into self-criticism and judgment, although we will be tempted.  

If you’re an eternal optimist, like me, you will also be tempted to make yourself look on the bright-side or focus on the “silver lining,” bypassing the “negative” emotions that you’re feeling.

We might even get feedback from friends and family that is smacks of judgement, silver linings or being “strong.”

But here’s what you really need, it’s exactly what I needed and did. 

Self-love and self-care. 

Simple. But, not familiar to most of us.  

You might be wondering what self-love and self-care look like. So often we think of going to get our nails done or taking ourselves out to dinner. That might be it, but it may not. 

To me, the secret to self-love and self-care is that it’s a gift from you, to you. You don’t need anyone else. It’s not dependent on a spouse, lover, friend, or frankly a good manicurist or bartender. If it is dependent on someone else, it could get fu*$ed-up by that someone else. 

Don’t leave your self-love and self-care in the hands of someone else! If you think of it, that’s not even what it’s called. It’s not “other-love” or “other-care.” 

It’s about the self. You. You as the answer. You as the gift. Because, you are.

You might: 

• Quit work early

• Take a nice bath or shower

• Using a favorite soap, bubble bath or lotion and really taking the time to notice how it smells and feels on your body

• Masterbation is fantastic for healing, loving and grounding the body

• Reading a fun book

• Cooking yourself a lovely meal (if you love to cook this can be very loving)

• Take a walk/run or even sit in nature

• Meditate

• Light some candles

• Listen to music

• Take a nap

• Go to bed early (sleep is incredibly healing)

You’ll notice, these don’t require another person or money. 

You have everything you need to heal and rejuvenate yourself. Sure, it might take a combination of things, you might not bounce-back in an hour or even a day, but these will all nurture your mind, body and spirit. They will bring you back to wholeness, enoughness, and belief in your own resilience and confidence. 

What’s your favorite self-love/self-care activity? I’d love to hear what you do?

Is “Closure” an Illusion?

Everyone talks about getting “closure” when relationships end. 

What is it that makes us think there is such a thing, or that it would help? 

Think about a relationship that you’ve had come to an end, that has been painful. It might be a romantic relationship, friendship, or even a family member. 

Or maybe you think about “closure” in regard to things that you’ve lost? A job, relationship or something of value. If so, think of that. 

What are you hoping to get with closure? 

Do you want to know “what happened?” Or, “where things went wrong?” Or the age old question, “why?”

But the answers to those questions, rarely, if ever, serve us. 

What they do is re-victimize us. 

The departing spouse gets to tell you all the things you did that they didn’t like. Or all the things that are “wrong with you” which is why they had to leave, have an affair, take your money, whatever the case may be. 

Sometimes worse, we spiral down into self-criticism - all on our own!

Filled with “I should have…” or “If only I had done/not done…” 

This is why I love the “don’t know” mind. It allows for a fresh start. 

What if you didn’t know why, never knew why, how or what ever it is, you think will give you closure? 

You start fresh, in the present moment. With exactly what is, but only what is. Nothing extra. Nothing less. 

It might look like this: I am a person betrayed by my spouse/lover who needs a place to live and needs to heal from the hurt I’ve experienced. I have a few people close to me that I can trust to love and support me during this time. I will ask for the help I need. I will take care of myself to facilitate my healing. I will seek the help of a professional. I am seeking what wants to emerge in me during this transitional and transformational time. 

Those statements honor what has happened and they empower you. You are not dependent on someone else to be okay, to heal, or to get back on your feet. Sure, you’re asking for help, and you are setting yourself up to be willing to receive help. That’s empowering! 

Now, I understand that it might be easier said than done, but I promise you it’s possible and it’s far more empowering than any imagining of closure, because it keeps you in the driver’s seat of your life! Where you belong. 

And, I am here to help you. I would love to be the professional you ask a helping hand from. It’s really a ‘facilitation’, which is a more empowering word than ‘help.’ I facilitate liberation in my clients. That way they experience true and lasting transformation. 

DM me and let me know if you could use a little facilitation into liberation! We’ll set up a call to chat and decide if now is the right time and if I am the right coach for you. 

Do You Need a Break?

I did! And I took it. 

How about you? Do you have a break scheduled? 

I know “scheduling a break” doesn’t sound very sexy and you may wish that someone would offer to give you a break. But the truth is, if we don’t schedule a break for ourselves, we probably won’t get one. 

It’s so easy to get caught in this old people pleasing trap! 

Hell, I’m single and self-employed, and I still find myself wishing someone would tell me to take a break. 

Because if someone else told me to, then it would be okay. 

If my boss (well, in my case that’s me) or my lover (oh! Me again) or my checking account or even a BFF would just say, “hey, Brenda. You look like you could use a break! Take the afternoon. Get a mani/pedi or massage. Read a book. Binge some Netflix if it feels good. Sleep if you want. Whatever feels good. You deserve it!” 

Ahhh, how nice it would be to be expressly given permission by someone else. 

But wait. Is that really how you want to live? Only taking a break when someone else notices AND tells you to take a break? 

I hope the answer is no. You’re a grown-ass human being for goodness sake! You don’t need anyone’s permission to take a break! You take a break because you f’ing need one! 

And, that’s where the scheduling comes in. If it’s in your calendar, you’re going to take yourself seriously. Otherwise, as soon as someone else needs you or wants you to do something for them… you’ll ditch your break and go do what they need or want. 

It’s time to prioritize yourself. You don’t have to tell anyone you’re taking the afternoon, or day or week off to nap. Just say you’ve already got a commitment and aren’t available. If it’s someone you live with, then sure, tell them you’re taking a self-love day, but no one else needs an explanation. You don’t need to justify taking a break. 

I took one this week. In fact, I actually wrote this blog before I left on my break, because I didn’t want any deadlines hanging over me. 

I used some birthday money to book two glorious nights in Palm Springs. Two days of laying by the pool, reading, working on my tan, a bottle of my fav champagne… I’ll return feeling like a million bucks. It works every time! 

Try it! Start small if you have to. Take a break for an hour. Then work up to half a day. Then an entire day. Then… yes…. Go for it! Take an overnight! All to yourself! It’s the most generous thing to do for the people you work for and the people you love. Why? Because you’ll come back refreshed and renewed. 

Which allows us to give from a “full cup.” Which is… the best. 💜

In rest and relaxation,

Brenda

People Pleasing in the Bedroom 🙄

It’s time to talk about how people pleasing affects us in the bedroom. 

This is a subject near and dear to my heart, because I’ve lived through sexual abuse as a child and a truly disfunctional sex life in my first marriage. 

When that marriage was over one of my most prevailing thoughts, even though I had four kids from 8 - 15 years old that I needed to support on my own when I didn’t make enough money to do that… was, yay! I never have to have sex again! 

I know. Hard to believe! 

This is a big topic that I can’t do justice to in one blog, but let’s start the conversation. 

When we are in our people pleasing habits that keep us prioritizing our partners wants, needs, feelings, likes and dislikes, we can’t be in our authentic power. When we aren’t in our authentic power, we can’t be authentic lovers. 

We can have sex. We can say yes, when we want to say no. We can tell ourselves it’s what’s expected of a good wife/husband. (Yes, ladies, there are plenty of men who are people pleasers in and out of the bedroom and it doesn’t serve them any more than it does us.) We can go through the motions, but the best sex is always when we’re really present. 

That’s why, for those of you who have experienced it, it can be easier to have great sex with a stranger. There’s not any relationship baggage and we tend to be present. Our bodies were made for pleasure. If we show up and are present, it unusually turns out to be pretty good! 

How do we get our power back in the bedroom? How do we stop saying yes when we mean no, or prioritizing what our partner wants over what we want? 

The first step is deciding it’s important for you to get what you want and need in the bedroom. You’ve got to believe you have the right for your wants and needs to be a priority. Of course, in a healthy relationship we share who’s needs get priority if our needs are conflicting, but it can’t always be your lover’s turn! 

The second step is to know what you want. 

Wait. 

That might be a problem. 

If you’ve been prioritizing your lover for a long time, you might have lost touch with what you want in bed. What gives you the most pleasure. What is fun to you. If you’ve lost touch with your own pleasures, it’s time to go back to when you were a kid and innocently enjoyed exploring your  body and sexual stimulation. 

I grew up in such a sexually dysfunctional family, I didn’t do any innocent exploration of my body or sexual pleasures until I was in my 30’s. Yep. That’s not a typo! So… If I made it to sexual pleasure and freedom, you can too! 

Start. Take one step. Then take another. 

If you need some help, I’m here for you. 

This is a perfect issue to get some one-on-one coaching for. 

I promise, no matter where you’re at, there’s hope. You can have fantastic sex and feel authentic power in the bedroom. You aren’t alone. You don’t have to figure it all out. I’m here to gently guide you into your authentic sexual expression. Hit reply, your email is confidential and I’m the only one who will see it.

In power and pleasure, 

Brenda

Do you need some relief?

What a year! 

What a holiday season! 

I’m sure you’ve got a lot going on that isn’t the way you planned for it to be. 

I want you to get some relief! 

While I can’t come cook you a meal or give you a much deserved massage, what I can do is give you an hour that is totally devoted to you and what you need. 

Last week one of my clients said, “I realized today, I’m always happy on the days we talk!” 

Not only is that the best testimonial ever - it speaks to the benefit of coaching. 

It feels so good to spend an hour with someone (me) who is 100% focused on what you want and need. The bonus is you’ll leave the hour with at least one thing you can do to get more of what you want and need.

The priceless part of the hour is what you’ll feel. Relief. Cared for. Attended to. Seen. Heard. 

I’m offering a special holiday rate of $97 for a single session. It will be the best $97 you’ve invested in yourself. 

Give yourself the gift of relief. You can pay and book all in one spot. Easy Peasy. Click HERE.

Live Lavishly Light Episode #13

What happens when you're sick of being married? 

I'm not talking about actually wanting to leave.

There are times in every relationship when you're sick of it! You're fed up with your spouse. 

In today's Live Lavishly Light Episode I'll give you a couple of sure-fire ways to deal with this lifestyle challenge and get back on the path of joy. 

Let me know how it worked for you in the comments below. Especially if you ran into any challenges and difficulties. 

xoxo

Brenda

What am I? Invisible?

I’ve often asked myself that question.

I spent much of my life with the feeling I wasn’t being seen or heard. Feeling invisible.

It’s human nature to want to be seen and heard. Your dislike of that feeling of being invisible is a good thing! The problem isn’t that we want to be seen and heard. The problem is either we aren’t communicating our truth and/or we’re hanging around with the wrong people.  

Know your truth

For some people this is easy. For me, it wasn’t. There have been plenty of times in my life where I didn’t have clarity on my own feelings, beliefs and what was true for me.

There were also plenty of times I knew what my truth was, I simply didn’t have the courage to speak it.

We can’t be seen and heard if we aren’t speaking our truth.

But, what if you speak your truth and others truly are not listening?

Find your tribe

We all need people in our lives who share our truths or at least understand them. These are the ones who ‘get us.’ These beautiful folks are in our tribe. They are the easiest people to be around.

We’re all challenged with people who don’t share our truths, who don’t get us. Let’s make one important distinction with this group.

There are people who don’t share our truth and don’t get us, but they don’t criticize us for being different than they are. They aren’t judging us or constantly trying to get us to change our truth. These are people we can be with on some level. There may not be a lot intimacy, due to the lack of shared values, but we can work with them and socialize with them without feeling diminished or dismissed.

Then there are those who are…

Not in your tribe

These are the folks it’s time to move away from. I mean that literally or emotionally. You don’t need everyone to see and hear you. But you need those who don’t, the people you feel invisible with, to be on the outer edges of your life, or not in your life at all.

You may work with these people. You may live with these people. These people may be in your families. They can be anywhere. What do you do?

Clean your tribal home

It may be time to make some hard decisions.

Start by making sure you’re telling your truth in love. That your talking about yourself, your needs, wants, beliefs and what is true for you, not blaming the other person. This is one of those times it’s all about you, kid!

Once your house is in order, you may need to evaluate whether you’re in alignment with your job and relationships in your life. You may need to leave some people and groups because they aren’t in your tribe. That can be difficult, but it seems to always pay off.

I am always surprised at the rush of energy I get when I break away from people and jobs or groups that are not in alignment with me. It doesn’t make them bad or wrong, just not what’s best for me.

Think of it like an archery target. The bull's eye is right in the center, and it’s small. That spot is for people you feel in total alignment with, but it’s a small space because we don’t usually have more than a couple of those at a time in our lives. Then the circles move outward. A little farther away from you, until you get to that outer edge. Those folks are so far away from you, you hardly notice them.

Your tribe is inside or near near the bull's eye, then you move out from there. Keep the people who don’t see and hear you on that outer edge.

When we surround ourselves with people who see and hear us, we live lavishly!

Live Lavishly Light Episode #10

Live Lavishly through self-love

It's that time of year! There's so much out there for couples and romance right now with Valentine's Day being a few days away. 

Today it's about the pros and cons of being single and how to love ourselves regardless of the state of our romantic lives. Married, or single, we all need to love and care for ourselves first! 

Loneliness in a relationship! What?

Yes, you read that right.

To me the loneliest thing in the world is being lonely when you’re in a relationship!

I suppose it’s inevitable at some point, even in a good relationship. Our partner can’t always be there and can’t always have the energy to give us what we need and want. That’s normal.

Then there is the loneliness that starts off small, almost something you can dismiss, until it grows. As it grows, you realize, your relationship isn’t working. Once you realize it isn’t working, you may be able to get things back on track. Get a coach. Go to counseling. Manage growing yourselves to the next level of intimacy. Or, you go the other way, grow apart more and feel lonelier until one of you decides it’s over.

Either way, loneliness inside a relationship is painful.

How to cure a case of the lonely blues?

First and foremost, whatever the cause of the loneliness is, take care of yourself. I know there’s a lot of talk these days about self-care. There are tons of books written about it, but how many of us really do it? Really take care of ourselves. If you stop and think about it, we often want others to take care of us. Maybe not to do the laundry, feed or bathe us, but take care of how we feel.

So often when we feel “bad” in anyway, we look to something outside of ourselves to change that.  A person, a shopping trip, a massage or a lovely manicure and pedicure. While there’s nothing wrong with any of those, they aren’t actually a substitute for self-care.

What is self-care, really?

Self-care is when we are so good to ourselves, so loving and nurturing, that we feel content. We feel cared for. It doesn’t mean you never want to hear someone else say something loving or do something that is nurturing, but it does mean that you don’t have to have it from someone else. Because you are constantly giving it to yourself.

The interesting thing for me is that when I take really good care of myself, I have better boundaries with the man I’m with. When I’m taking care of me, the things he does are like icing on the cake and let me tell you… I LOVE icing! I also feel that if he’s not giving me the things I need and want, I need to leave. Not because I’m cake-less, to use the previous analogy, but because I LOVE icing! Why be in a cake store where they don’t have any? I would leave. I leave with all my wholeness, all my cake, intact, because I make the cake.

Don’t get me wrong, we all need relationships and interactions with people. Self-care isn’t about being an on island alone. What it does is help you pick your favorite icing (you can tell I’m loving this analogy).

If I’ve already got an awesome cake, made by me, then whether it’s a friendship, lover, soulmate or evening together, I’ll choose someone who I think has icing that I love. If, after a while, I realize they are serving up a particular icing I don’t like or I realize all they do is talk about icing, but I’ve never really gotten any of it, then I’m much clearer about taking my cake and going somewhere else for icing.

First things first. If you don’t already have your own awesome cake, make one for yourself right away. Here’s the truth, the more you do it, the better you get at cake-making. After a while, it takes no effort at all. Cake-making becomes your thing and you find you’re happy, with or without icing.

Is it important to practice self-care?

Are self-care and rest really important?

I can tell you, from experience, when I don't practice self-care and get the rest I need, it's not a pretty picture!

Why is it so important? Why do you need to make it a priority as you're creating the lavish life that you deserve?

We'll talk about it in today's Live Lavishly Manifesto 7 - I believe in self-care and rest.

Live Lavishly Manifesto

If you don't have yours, go here to grab it!