Less Screaming! More....

I was talking to someone about a new package I’m putting together for people pleasers who are dating and in relationships. 

It’s one of the most important packages I’ve created. 

You see, so many qualities that make us people pleasers, suck the energy out of us and make us resentful in our relationships. 

It’s really hard to be seen and heard by your lover when you’re trying so hard to “keep the peace,” and “not rock the boat.” 

I told her how I was creating this package to coach people who are dating, or in romantic relationships, on how to avoid the terrible experience of NOT being seen and heard by their lover. 

She said, “Oh! Like, scream less and screw more!” 

Boom! 

I couldn’t have said it better myself! 

There’s always that fight that we have on a routine basis. The details of the story might change, but the underlying topic is the same. 

And, under the topic, is the dynamic. The number one complaint of romantic relationships:

You don’t feel seen and heard. 

Why is that such a big deal? 

Because we can’t feel valued when we aren’t seen and heard. 

Being dismissed or ignored is the equivalent of being devalued. Period.  

Your lover - my lover -  might not have “meant” to devalue us, but, it’s the natural experience of not being seen and heard. 

I’ve learned how to be seen and heard. 

That’s why I’m so passionate about coaching others on how to be seen and heard! 

Today, I’ll give you one tip to get you headed in the right direction. 

Tip #1 for being seen and heard:

Make sure you see and hear yourself before trying to get your lover to see and hear you. 

Wait? What? 

No, this is not a trick. And, yes, you read that right. 

It starts with you - with me. 

You see, as a people pleaser we’ve been trained to ignore ourselves. To make what other people want and need more important than what we want and need. 

The first obstacle to overcome is our own habit of self-dismissal. Self-devaluing. 

Write yourself a letter. Record a message. Tell yourself what it is that you are wanting your love to see and hear. Listen to yourself. See yourself. Honor your want or need. Give it value. 

Notice how that feels. 

Take the time to revel in your own validation of your own want or need. It’s so much more powerful than you might imagine. 

After you’ve reveled in it, feel free to share it with your lover. Your energy and communication will have shifted because you began where all things begin. With you. Inside you. 

That’s where the magic is.

The Color of Freedom

It’s a story that doesn’t seem true. But it is. 

In today’s podcast I’ll share how “remembering” my favorite color was the catalyst to my freedom. 

It’s so easy to slide down that slippery slope of pleasing others. Especially when it’s a spouse or other family members. 

I just wanted a good marriage. A happy family. 

Slowly, little by little, I became so lost I didn’t know my favorite color. 

Thankfully, that’s not where the story ends. 

Listen to today’s podcast, The Color of Freedom and hear how I began to liberate myself. 

If I can do it, you can. 

It is my mission and joy to coach others into their liberation. Let me know when you’re ready to explore working together. Shoot me an email with the subject, “I’m ready for freedom.”  We’ll take the next step together. Brenda@BrendaFlorida.com

The Cure For Anxiety

Would you like the cure for anxiety? That’s not a trick question.

I’ve noticed this pattern with clients and I’ve experienced it myself. 

Anxiety typically arises because we are avoiding something else. 

Let me give you an example. 

I was coaching a client who wanted relief from her anxiety. As I began to inquire about some things in her life, that initially seemed unrelated to the anxiety, I noticed she had some unexpressed anger at her husband. When I asked her about it, her response was, “it was a stupid thing for me to get mad about. He didn’t mean it.” 

How many times have you said that to yourself? “They didn’t mean it. I was stupid to get mad.” 

Then, low and behold, anxiety begins to emerge. Quite possibly over something unrelated. 

Our emotions are energy in motion. They will go somewhere. 

If we don’t acknowledge them, accept them and feel them, they will morph into anxiety. 

My cure for anxiety is to allow yourself to feel your feelings. When they happen. And, when it will serve you, share them. It’s important to express our truth. 

Sure, it’s easier said than done. Most important things are. That’s why people hire me to coach them through it. You don’t have to do it alone. 

I had someone ask the other day how to work with me. It’s easy really. You book a 15-Minute Discovery Call and we chat about what you want to work on. Anxiety. Impostor Syndrome. People Pleasing. Career Issues. Relationship Challenges. Taking a Big Leap. Whatever it is, we’ll find out if I am the right coach for you. There’s no obligation. At the end of the call we’ll decide what the next steps are. Easy peasy. Use this link to book your Discovery Call and we’ll figure it out together. https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11249251&appointmentType=8395116

Create the Self-Love You Deserve!

Gabrielle and I were models. Along with about a dozen other fabulous women. We instantly hit it off. She’s got a magnetic personality.

Having your picture taken together in your underwear creates a special bond!

That’s how I met this week’s Cocktails and Coaching co-host, Gabrielle Garofalo. We were in a photo shoot for a book, and a movement, frankly, called, BARE. BARE was conceived by Susan Hyatt and is disrupting the diet culture. BARE teaches women how to love the bodies exactly as they are, as a strategy get to their ideal weight.

I’ve been thinking a lot about self-love lately.

It’s so hard to do yet may be the single most powerful tool we have to improve our lives.

If only we really understood the power of loving ourselves.

When I’m loving myself, I make better choices, professionally, in the food I eat, the movement by body gets, my relationships are healthier, I choose better men to date and I feel infinitely more powerful in my life. 

Gabrielle and I are excited to spend time with you Wednesday, at 5 pm Pacific/8 pm Eastern in my private FB Group, Live Lavishly: The Art of Sustainable Transformation.

It’s going to be a powerful evening. In addition to modeling with me, Gabrielle is a multi-passionate entrepreneur. She doesn't like to define herself by one role or passion rather the complicated and wonderful sum of her parts. An entrepreneur, marketing consultant, food & drink blogger, coach and mom of three she often finds herself either traveling into NYC to consult with clients or hopping on her paddle board to commune in nature while working up a sweat. You can find her on IG as Gabrielle.Garofalo and on Facebook here.

Gabrielle also teaches women the BARE(TM) process and how to channel passion to purpose at home, in career and in the mirror. I’ll have her tell us more about that on Wednesday!

We love getting questions ahead of time from you! You can ask us any question on any subject here, and join the FB Group, here, if you aren’t a member.

Can’t wait to see you Wednesday at 5 Pacific/8 Eastern for another fabulous episode of Cocktails and Coaching!

Talk about it Tuesday - Confusion to Clarity

Think about something in your life that confuses you.

This could be something related to your career, family, relationships, etc…

In today’s Talk About it Tuesday, I talk about how to find clarify in confusing situations in life. This is a technique that I use with my clients who are struggling to understand the next step the want to take.

Live Lavishly Light Episode #25

Today I want you all to think about how easy it is to slip into that cultural norm of women being the givers and men being the provider.

The brilliant Chimamanda Adichie gave her friend parenting advice for raising a daughter, writing: "Teach her that to love is not only to give, but also to take." 

So let's talk about gender inequality in this Live Lavishly Light episode!

Why I Hired a Coach

"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them." Albert Einstein

I use that quote often when I consult and speak to companies about how to improve performance with their people and solve problems in the organization. 

Here's the truth. It's actually very hard NOT to use the same kind of thinking. 

How do we really change the way we think when 95% of our thoughts are unconscious, meaning they are a habit we don't think about, like brushing our teeth? You don't look at your toothbrush every morning wondering what the heck to do with it! You don't even have to think about the steps involved in brushing your teeth. You do it without thinking about it. It's an unconscious habit. 

That's the way 95% of your thoughts are. 

How do we change? 

How do we become aware of the 95% that causes us to repeat the thoughts that don't serve us? That keep us from finding the new thought to solve the problem with? 

I call my coach! 

Yep. I have two coaches I work with regularly. They think of things I don't think of. 

Whether it's a challenge in my business or in a personal relationship, they will ask me a question [that I never thought of] that takes me to a new thought. 

That's what a great coach does. It's simple. It's profound. 

Do you need a coach? 

All of us have things in our life that could use some new thoughts injected into them. Maybe it's a stalled career. Maybe you want to start a business or expand your business. Maybe there's a personal relationship that needs something new injected into it. Maybe you've lost site of your dreams and want to put some juice into your life and awaken those dreams. 

New thoughts will help you with all of those. As a coach, that's what I do. I help my clients think new thoughts. Grow their business. Get a new job. Ask for a raise or promotion. Work on their relationships, awaken those dreams and create a lavish life! 

I offer free, 30 minute "Introduction" calls so we can chat about what you want to get out of coaching and to see if we are a good fit. No obligations. Check it out and schedule your Intro session today from my website. www.BrendaFlorida.com/coaching

Live Lavishly Light Episode #13

What happens when you're sick of being married? 

I'm not talking about actually wanting to leave.

There are times in every relationship when you're sick of it! You're fed up with your spouse. 

In today's Live Lavishly Light Episode I'll give you a couple of sure-fire ways to deal with this lifestyle challenge and get back on the path of joy. 

Let me know how it worked for you in the comments below. Especially if you ran into any challenges and difficulties. 

xoxo

Brenda

What am I? Invisible?

I’ve often asked myself that question.

I spent much of my life with the feeling I wasn’t being seen or heard. Feeling invisible.

It’s human nature to want to be seen and heard. Your dislike of that feeling of being invisible is a good thing! The problem isn’t that we want to be seen and heard. The problem is either we aren’t communicating our truth and/or we’re hanging around with the wrong people.  

Know your truth

For some people this is easy. For me, it wasn’t. There have been plenty of times in my life where I didn’t have clarity on my own feelings, beliefs and what was true for me.

There were also plenty of times I knew what my truth was, I simply didn’t have the courage to speak it.

We can’t be seen and heard if we aren’t speaking our truth.

But, what if you speak your truth and others truly are not listening?

Find your tribe

We all need people in our lives who share our truths or at least understand them. These are the ones who ‘get us.’ These beautiful folks are in our tribe. They are the easiest people to be around.

We’re all challenged with people who don’t share our truths, who don’t get us. Let’s make one important distinction with this group.

There are people who don’t share our truth and don’t get us, but they don’t criticize us for being different than they are. They aren’t judging us or constantly trying to get us to change our truth. These are people we can be with on some level. There may not be a lot intimacy, due to the lack of shared values, but we can work with them and socialize with them without feeling diminished or dismissed.

Then there are those who are…

Not in your tribe

These are the folks it’s time to move away from. I mean that literally or emotionally. You don’t need everyone to see and hear you. But you need those who don’t, the people you feel invisible with, to be on the outer edges of your life, or not in your life at all.

You may work with these people. You may live with these people. These people may be in your families. They can be anywhere. What do you do?

Clean your tribal home

It may be time to make some hard decisions.

Start by making sure you’re telling your truth in love. That your talking about yourself, your needs, wants, beliefs and what is true for you, not blaming the other person. This is one of those times it’s all about you, kid!

Once your house is in order, you may need to evaluate whether you’re in alignment with your job and relationships in your life. You may need to leave some people and groups because they aren’t in your tribe. That can be difficult, but it seems to always pay off.

I am always surprised at the rush of energy I get when I break away from people and jobs or groups that are not in alignment with me. It doesn’t make them bad or wrong, just not what’s best for me.

Think of it like an archery target. The bull's eye is right in the center, and it’s small. That spot is for people you feel in total alignment with, but it’s a small space because we don’t usually have more than a couple of those at a time in our lives. Then the circles move outward. A little farther away from you, until you get to that outer edge. Those folks are so far away from you, you hardly notice them.

Your tribe is inside or near near the bull's eye, then you move out from there. Keep the people who don’t see and hear you on that outer edge.

When we surround ourselves with people who see and hear us, we live lavishly!

Loneliness in a relationship! What?

Yes, you read that right.

To me the loneliest thing in the world is being lonely when you’re in a relationship!

I suppose it’s inevitable at some point, even in a good relationship. Our partner can’t always be there and can’t always have the energy to give us what we need and want. That’s normal.

Then there is the loneliness that starts off small, almost something you can dismiss, until it grows. As it grows, you realize, your relationship isn’t working. Once you realize it isn’t working, you may be able to get things back on track. Get a coach. Go to counseling. Manage growing yourselves to the next level of intimacy. Or, you go the other way, grow apart more and feel lonelier until one of you decides it’s over.

Either way, loneliness inside a relationship is painful.

How to cure a case of the lonely blues?

First and foremost, whatever the cause of the loneliness is, take care of yourself. I know there’s a lot of talk these days about self-care. There are tons of books written about it, but how many of us really do it? Really take care of ourselves. If you stop and think about it, we often want others to take care of us. Maybe not to do the laundry, feed or bathe us, but take care of how we feel.

So often when we feel “bad” in anyway, we look to something outside of ourselves to change that.  A person, a shopping trip, a massage or a lovely manicure and pedicure. While there’s nothing wrong with any of those, they aren’t actually a substitute for self-care.

What is self-care, really?

Self-care is when we are so good to ourselves, so loving and nurturing, that we feel content. We feel cared for. It doesn’t mean you never want to hear someone else say something loving or do something that is nurturing, but it does mean that you don’t have to have it from someone else. Because you are constantly giving it to yourself.

The interesting thing for me is that when I take really good care of myself, I have better boundaries with the man I’m with. When I’m taking care of me, the things he does are like icing on the cake and let me tell you… I LOVE icing! I also feel that if he’s not giving me the things I need and want, I need to leave. Not because I’m cake-less, to use the previous analogy, but because I LOVE icing! Why be in a cake store where they don’t have any? I would leave. I leave with all my wholeness, all my cake, intact, because I make the cake.

Don’t get me wrong, we all need relationships and interactions with people. Self-care isn’t about being an on island alone. What it does is help you pick your favorite icing (you can tell I’m loving this analogy).

If I’ve already got an awesome cake, made by me, then whether it’s a friendship, lover, soulmate or evening together, I’ll choose someone who I think has icing that I love. If, after a while, I realize they are serving up a particular icing I don’t like or I realize all they do is talk about icing, but I’ve never really gotten any of it, then I’m much clearer about taking my cake and going somewhere else for icing.

First things first. If you don’t already have your own awesome cake, make one for yourself right away. Here’s the truth, the more you do it, the better you get at cake-making. After a while, it takes no effort at all. Cake-making becomes your thing and you find you’re happy, with or without icing.

Live Lavishly Light Episode #9

Are you sick and tired of being single?

I have been single for 17 years and I know a thing or two about feeling as though everyone is in a relationship except me.

I have an exercise I am going to share in this week's LLL episode that I hope will bring you some comfort and confidence on those days when you just hate being single.