The Blog
In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m diving into Power.
What it is. What it’s not.
How do we “lose” it?
How do we get it back?
This is a topic I am an expert in! I’ve given away my power many times and I’ve learned how to get it back.
Today, I’ll tell you all about it!
Get ready for a powerful episode!
Listen here.
I will be joining six other women to share tips and tools about life, love and marriage in an upcoming free virtual masterclass, “A Confident Wife” Empowering You to Stay Married, Happily, or Find the Certainty You Need to Leave.
Because you follow me, I know you will enjoy watching as I and the other badass women really open up and share on subjects like how to create boundaries; how to reconnect; how to love, not please to gain love; how to find and reclaim the humor and fun in your marriage; the difference between true self love and what we usually think of as selfishness or self absorption; and how you find joy and love by first filling your own cup, and simple ways to do that.
This class was designed to offer direction for reconnecting in love, but even more importantly to support you to be the person you were created to be.
Don’t wait to claim your seat!
Me and the other speakers are offering free gifts in addition to their years of wisdom, insight and expertise! You will laugh, cry and see new ways of living fully open to love.
Look at the free gifts waiting for you!
Yours Truly - "3-Step Guide to Being Seen and Heard"
La Shell Wooten - “Your Balance Sheet” A quick study on what may be lacking in your life and how to reclaim it.
Tiff Zapico – A complimentary call to see what may be stopping you from living your best life
Deanna Pizitz – “3 Pillars to Good Health”
Kim Reutzel – “12 Days of Devotional Guidance Scripture Hug”
Kimberly Benjamin Houdebine – “Five Steps to Rediscovering You”
The Masterclass is Saturday, January 23rd, so hop on over and register now, before you get distracted with anything else and miss the opportunity!
Last week we watched our president and some of his fans throw a violent temper tantrum. It was like a two year old being told it’s bedtime!
I like to look for the metaphor. It helps me see what’s in it for me.
Of course, I hated watching it and I wanted to be super judgmental. I felt righteous indignation.
And then I thought, where is there a part of me, hanging on for dear life, when in fact… it’s time to go?
And, I found it. I’ll share it with you next week.
We all have it.
More than one “it.”
Those habits, relationships and ways of thinking that really, really don’t serve us anymore.
It’s time for them to go.
Last Wednesday it became abundantly clear to me what my purpose and mission in life is. For myself and others, to work with that stubborn part in all of us that doesn’t want to leave. That is hanging on, threatening us, berating us, spewing lies and refusing to go.
Where is your two year old throwing a temper tantrum? It can be focused on any person or situation in your life that isn’t the way you want it to be. It might be focused on you. An inner tantrum that berates you to you.
Let’s take care of it. It’s hard to let things go. I will gladly be your guide and advocate. Book a 15-minute call and we’ll decide what your next steps are.
With that tantrum comes a feeling of powerlessness. That’s what triggers a tantrum. Together we’ll activate your innate power. The power that will lovingly take charge and lead the way.
Don’t get me wrong, I love all books. Especially self-help books!
And yet… those books didn’t help me make the lasting changes that I’ve made.
So, now, I have thrown out almost all of my self-help books and I spend my money on programs, coaching and courses with teachers who I know will help me make the leap I’m looking for.
Why?
Because I’ve learned that sustainable transformations takes very specific work. It can’t be mass produced for a mass audience.
Transformation that lasts, changing habits and patterns that we’ve had since we were probably kids, takes a lot more than reading how-to strategies and being inspired by someone.
It takes someone listening to my specific problem, my specific limiting belief, combined with my specific personality and my life experiences.
When I do that we get to the root of an issue, rather than messing around with the symptoms that I thought were the problem.
Case in point, clients in my Be Seen and Heard package, need to talk about their specific relationship challenges. Their unique history and stories. My process is similar with each client -- I could write a book about the process -- but, how I use the process is different with each client.
That’s why their results are so huge after each session. Sure, it takes multiple sessions, and costs more than a book does, to get where they want to go, but they know it’s a journey. It was a journey to get them where they are in their relationship, they know it’s going to take time to create lasting change and begin to chart a new journey.
The other thing my clients have in common is they want results that last. Not a quick, pick-me-up, they want a shift that is palpable.
One client put it this way, “Brenda is awesome! I’ve had much clarity and shifted the energy I was coming into my relationship with. I highly recommend her coaching package!”
So, I wonder, what is it that you want to see a lasting change in? It might not be your relationship, it might be your career, business, relationship with your mother, money or how to truly let go of your adult children.
I’ve got you. I can be the coach that guides you into the lasting change you long for. We can create a package specific to your situation. Schedule your call with me and we’ll create a plan. Toss the self-help books. Invest in something that will transform you. Schedule your call here. Together, we’ll create the lasting change you are looking for.
I couldn’t have planned it if I had tried!
It’s the first podcast of 2021 and it’s episode 21!
Today it’s all about power.
Who has the power in your relationship?
Today I’m discussing romantic relationships, but the same question applies to friendships, family and professional relationships.
Listen to today’s episode HERE.
It’s time to take your power back. Not to have power OVER anyone, but to prevent anyone from having power OVER YOU!
I’ve got a special coaching package specifically designed to help you. It’s the Be Seen and Heard package. There are two levels - one with 3 sessions, one with 9 sessions plus more support and there are payment plans. Get all the information for the package HERE.
You do not need to spend another year feeling like you are not seen or heard!
Make 2021 YOUR YEAR!
A lot of people wonder what it’s like to work with me.
In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’ll give you a behind the scenes look at what you can expect when you work with me.
In this special episode I also mention my new coaching package, Be Seen and Heard. You can get more information about that package right HERE.
I can’t wait to see your appointment pop up on my calendar!
You deserve to be seen and heard! Listen HERE.
It’s how people pleasing affects your relationship.
See if this feels familiar?
You're empathetic, so you tend to prioritize your partner's
likes/dislikes
how he feels
his interests
his ideas of fun and pleasure
You like harmony and tend to "keep the peace" so you accommodate him with:
money
time together
sex
hobbies
the kids
household chores
In today’s Liberate Your People Pleaser I’m going to give you two powerful tools for escaping Partner Pleasing. Listen to the episode HERE.
I’m curious about your experience as a partner pleaser. Share in the comments, DM or email me and let me know how it’s impacted you.
I posted that question on social media this week and got some interesting answers!
If you don’t follow me on social media, I’m @lavishbrenda on IG and have a private FB Group, Liberate Your People Pleaser you can join HERE.
Some of the things being left behind: self-doubt, the need for acceptance and approval, uncertainty, relationships where they aren’t seen, heard and valued, jobs that suck the life out of them, and my personal “leave-behind,” scarcity.
As people pleasers it’s so easy to get caught in the fear of all those things. Notice, everything that we want to leave behind was created through fear.
Fear motivates most of the behaviors that hold us back. Fear of being rejected. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of failing. Fear of not being loved and accepted. Fear of making a mistake or “failing” in some way.
What do we do about it?.
Fear is like a bully. Once you face it, it begins to shrink.
For instance, the fear that you won’t be loved and accepted is part of why you’re in a relationship where you aren’t seen and heard. How do I know? Because if you weren’t afraid of being loved and accepted, you would simply and clearly ask for what you want and need. If your partner, coworker, boss or friend repeatedly ignored or dismissed your wants and needs, you wouldn’t tolerate it.
You naturally attract people into your life who reflect your inner love and acceptance.
I used to have a lot of fear about being loved and accepted. I felt so invisible growing up, that I was naturally drawn to people who would repeat that pattern for me. Romantic relationships is where I had most of my challenges, but I have clients that have it at work, with friends, even random strangers.
Fear keeps us silent. Fear keeps us prioritizing others. Fear keeps us from being seen and heard.
Once I unraveled that fear (that’s the hard part, but trust me, it can be done. I did it. I coach others on how to do it) I seemed to magically be surrounded by people who genuinely loved me, accepted me and were happy to hear about what I wanted and needed.
Voila! I was seen and heard! By all sorts of people!
Now I can spot it right away when someone isn’t interested in seeing me and hearing me.
It’s extremely empowering!
What fear do you need to let go of? You don’t have to know how. It starts with recognizing it and looking at it. Noticing all the places it weaves itself into your life. Fear can be quite insidious. When we look at it, we open the door to releasing it.
Let me know in the comments the fear you’re ready to look in the eye and leave behind!
It’s a lethal combo - People Pleasing and dating… or being the people pleaser in a romantic relationship!
Why?
We do too much.
We give too much.
We get hurt too much.
And this is when “too much” isn’t what we’re going for!
In today’s episode of Liberate Your People Pleaser I’ll give you some hard won strategies for how to keep people pleasing out of your romantic relationships!
Whether you’re dating or in a relationship you’ll get the big transformation I had to make in order to keep my people pleasing ways out of my dating life!
Listen to today’s episode HERE.
Tell me what your biggest dating or romantic challenge is. There’s nothing more important than keeping certain aspects of being a people pleaser out of the bedroom!
I was talking to someone about a new package I’m putting together for people pleasers who are dating and in relationships.
It’s one of the most important packages I’ve created.
You see, so many qualities that make us people pleasers, suck the energy out of us and make us resentful in our relationships.
It’s really hard to be seen and heard by your lover when you’re trying so hard to “keep the peace,” and “not rock the boat.”
I told her how I was creating this package to coach people who are dating, or in romantic relationships, on how to avoid the terrible experience of NOT being seen and heard by their lover.
She said, “Oh! Like, scream less and screw more!”
Boom!
I couldn’t have said it better myself!
There’s always that fight that we have on a routine basis. The details of the story might change, but the underlying topic is the same.
And, under the topic, is the dynamic. The number one complaint of romantic relationships:
You don’t feel seen and heard.
Why is that such a big deal?
Because we can’t feel valued when we aren’t seen and heard.
Being dismissed or ignored is the equivalent of being devalued. Period.
Your lover - my lover - might not have “meant” to devalue us, but, it’s the natural experience of not being seen and heard.
I’ve learned how to be seen and heard.
That’s why I’m so passionate about coaching others on how to be seen and heard!
Today, I’ll give you one tip to get you headed in the right direction.
Tip #1 for being seen and heard:
Make sure you see and hear yourself before trying to get your lover to see and hear you.
Wait? What?
No, this is not a trick. And, yes, you read that right.
It starts with you - with me.
You see, as a people pleaser we’ve been trained to ignore ourselves. To make what other people want and need more important than what we want and need.
The first obstacle to overcome is our own habit of self-dismissal. Self-devaluing.
Write yourself a letter. Record a message. Tell yourself what it is that you are wanting your love to see and hear. Listen to yourself. See yourself. Honor your want or need. Give it value.
Notice how that feels.
Take the time to revel in your own validation of your own want or need. It’s so much more powerful than you might imagine.
After you’ve reveled in it, feel free to share it with your lover. Your energy and communication will have shifted because you began where all things begin. With you. Inside you.
That’s where the magic is.
It’s a story that doesn’t seem true. But it is.
In today’s podcast I’ll share how “remembering” my favorite color was the catalyst to my freedom.
It’s so easy to slide down that slippery slope of pleasing others. Especially when it’s a spouse or other family members.
I just wanted a good marriage. A happy family.
Slowly, little by little, I became so lost I didn’t know my favorite color.
Thankfully, that’s not where the story ends.
Listen to today’s podcast, The Color of Freedom and hear how I began to liberate myself.
If I can do it, you can.
It is my mission and joy to coach others into their liberation. Let me know when you’re ready to explore working together. Shoot me an email with the subject, “I’m ready for freedom.” We’ll take the next step together. Brenda@BrendaFlorida.com
Would you like the cure for anxiety? That’s not a trick question.
I’ve noticed this pattern with clients and I’ve experienced it myself.
Anxiety typically arises because we are avoiding something else.
Let me give you an example.
I was coaching a client who wanted relief from her anxiety. As I began to inquire about some things in her life, that initially seemed unrelated to the anxiety, I noticed she had some unexpressed anger at her husband. When I asked her about it, her response was, “it was a stupid thing for me to get mad about. He didn’t mean it.”
How many times have you said that to yourself? “They didn’t mean it. I was stupid to get mad.”
Then, low and behold, anxiety begins to emerge. Quite possibly over something unrelated.
Our emotions are energy in motion. They will go somewhere.
If we don’t acknowledge them, accept them and feel them, they will morph into anxiety.
My cure for anxiety is to allow yourself to feel your feelings. When they happen. And, when it will serve you, share them. It’s important to express our truth.
Sure, it’s easier said than done. Most important things are. That’s why people hire me to coach them through it. You don’t have to do it alone.
I had someone ask the other day how to work with me. It’s easy really. You book a 15-Minute Discovery Call and we chat about what you want to work on. Anxiety. Impostor Syndrome. People Pleasing. Career Issues. Relationship Challenges. Taking a Big Leap. Whatever it is, we’ll find out if I am the right coach for you. There’s no obligation. At the end of the call we’ll decide what the next steps are. Easy peasy. Use this link to book your Discovery Call and we’ll figure it out together. https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=11249251&appointmentType=8395116
How do we stand in our truth and power when we’re scared?
How do we experience empowerment when life feels overwhelming?
How do we create an unshakable, indestructible empowerment?
It’s one thing to show up confidently, to feel empowered, when you’ve just gotten a promotion, or your business venture is going better than expected.
How do we do it when we get fired or our business “fails?”
If we can’t find our empowerment when our circumstances suck, is it really empowerment?
I love the expression, empowered inside-out.
That’s what I am cultivating and what I’m helping clients cultivate.
We feel empowered, we take action that is empowered and we trust in the outcome because of what we are doing on the inside, not because of something one the outside.
It takes a certain dismantling of imprinted beliefs about who we are and what we are capable of.
I’ll give you three quick but powerful ways to begin. Don’t dismiss them because they seem too “small.” Small things can be very powerful.
Name what scares you. If you’re invested in what other people think about you, you are overly focused on financial and professional security, or you stay in relationships long after they’ve stopped serving you, then those things have your power. Naming them is the beginning of releasing their power.
Ask yourself, “if I wasn’t concerned about what others thought or wasn’t worried about money, being alone (whatever fear you’ve named) what would I do differently?
Notice how you feel and what comes up. Very often a client will pause and exclaim, “Oh! I would…..” and say what they would do. When you feel that, there is a certain feeling quality about it. It’s clear. It feels like truth. That is the feeling of being empowered inside-out. That’s what you want to cultivate!
I’d love to hear about your own example of using these three steps and tell me, did you feel it? Did you feel empowered? If not, there’s no shame in that. You’ve been deeply conditioned to give other people and situations your power. We all have. Share it with me and I’ll do my best to help you break through the block. <3
I have so many clients tell me they know what they should do.
They just can’t seem to do it.
We’ve all been there.
You know you’re putting everyone first - at the expense of yourself.
You know the best way to serve your family and others is to do it from a “full cup.” The old, “put your oxygen mask on first, then help the person next to you,” theory.
But you still find yourself saying yes and doing more than you should. Or feeling guilty if you don’t.
Why is it so damn hard, especially when we know better?
Let’s use our closet as a metaphor.
The same clothes. Day after day. They are nice. But you realize, you’ve “outgrown” some of them, in one way or another.
Your style has changed, your body has changed. There are pieces in your wardrobe that just aren’t appealing anymore. Of course, some of them are fine. Some are favorites. But there are always a few that really need to go.
You know you need to clean out the closet; discard some things, possibly have an item or two altered, and buy a few new pieces.
And yet, you keep wearing them. You’re busy. You rationalize that they aren’t that bad. You shouldn’t be greedy, maybe you don’t need to buy anything? Who are you to spend the money on alterations! Just wear what you have and be grateful.
And there you have it. Life.
Life in a closet.
When it comes to people and situations in our lives, it’s the same.
There’s a relationship with a friend, co-worker, boss, business partner, lover, spouse, your mother… and you know it needs change. It needs altering. Or a good cleaning out, maybe even discarding, in order for you to thrive.
You know it. You tell yourself, “next time we talk…” and yet it doesn’t happen.
Why is that?
We know better, but we don’t always do better.
Because being the way you’ve been has been deeply engrained. It’s a serious habit!
And habits don’t start or stop easily.
That’s why coaching is so important.
You need an advocate.
Someone to help you communicate differently.
Break the habit of feeling and doing for others first and yourself… not first.
These are the dragons I slay all day every day, so, you’re in good hands!
There are several ways you can let me help you put yourself first! And NOT in a selfish way!
1. Join my FREE Private Facebook Group, Liberate Your People Pleaser! We talk about how to break those habits that our people pleaser got stuck in! Click here to join.
2. Join the “Freedom is Calling You” FREE Facebook Challenge coming in August! For now, join Liberate Your People and you’ll get all the deets there.
3. Work with me 1:1. It’s the most powerful way to break those people pleasing habits. To explore a 1:1 experience with me, book a 15-Minute call and we’ll figure it out! Book your call HERE.
I can’t wait to connect with you!
Everything you want, that you don't have, will scare the shit out of you, if you take steps to bring it into your life.
It doesn't seem fair, but it's true.
The "safe" choices, won't scare you. Staying in the corporate job that sucks you dry, the marriage you are unhappy in, deciding not to trust anyone again, never getting back into the dating scene, not to starting your own business... need I go on?
When we "don't rock the boat" we stay safe.
You know what's scary?
Following your deepest desires. I like to call them yearnings.
Something you want soooo bad, you can taste it!
And, that's scary as hell!
You know, if you do it, if you follow it, things will happen that you can't predict.
You'll be smack dab in the center of "the unknown."
[Cue screaming]
What do you do?
How do you deal with the fear and follow your deepest desires?
Join me and my amazing co-host, Enolia Foti, for Cocktails and Coaching on Wednesday, August 28, at 5 pm Pacific and 8 pm Eastern. You'll hear how this New York City girl ended up being taught by the elders and grandmothers of indigenous cultures, and how she went from corporate America to healer. Her story is inspiring, and together, we'll unlock how fear can hold you back, or empower you!
Ask your question about fear, how the hell to actually follow your deepest desires, what it means to be a healer or anything else that's on your mind! Click here to submit your question.
We'll be live for Cocktails and Coaching in my private Facebook Group. If you aren't already a member, join Live Lavishly; The Art of Sustainable Transformation by clicking here.
Enolia and I can't wait to see you on Wednesday, August 28, at 5 pm Pacific and 8 pm Eastern.
